Get Over It

So apparently... apparently, Luna Rosa lost in the Louis Vuitton Cup finals. I say apparently because I am still not sure if I am dreaming or if it really happened. I mean, was that girl from Big Love (Amanda Seyfried) really sunbathing naked on the back of Luna Rosa during race 3? Nobody will ever know for sure.

At this point though, we might have to accept that it may really have happened since some boats are racing on TV, and they say it is for the America's Cup. Neither of them is Luna Rosa, sooooo....

To make matters worse, they say that Luna Rosa was swept (or skunked) 5-0! How is one supposed to handle this news? Only one thing comes to mind.

Way back in the year 1997, there was a young gentile-man (ha, see what I did there) at Brandeis University who received some bad news. Something about a chick. So it seems as though this non jew was pretty pissed off, just like we are now. So what did he do? He decided to rapid fire a series of Busch Light bottles against a brick wall in the lounge of his dorm. It was a spectacular display, and I didn't get mad for a whole 2 months after that. Nothing could get me down. Glenn Healey is gonna play for the NY Strangers? Who cares.

So that's the answer. Break something. Break a lot of somethings. If you see someone from New Zealand, get in their face and give them shit about their stupid little island. Tell them Lord of the Rings was a cool movie, but the really lame scenery ruined it for you. Tell them they are idiots for calling their national Badminton team the "Black Cocks" (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/09/15/nz_badminton_kerfuffle/). Tell them that Long Island is better than their island.

Does Luna Rosa Need the Wolf?

I'm sorry for the long delay since my last post. I was called in last-minute to consult with one of the teams (I can't say witch one), and I didn't have much free time. I literally received thousands of letter from fans wondering where I was, and now I know how Mike Seaver felt in Growing Pains. If my appartment was as cool as his appartment above the garage, and if I had a waterbed, then life would really be great.

So what is going on in Valencia? Well, there are a lot of rumors going around, some true and others not so true. The biggest rumor is probably the one about Team New Zealand cheating. In my opinion, this is 100% true. Luna Rossa spanked BMW Oracle, while Team NZ lost two matches to the disgraceful green Spanish lima-boat. So how are they up 3-0 on Luna Rosa already? They are cheating. They got so much money from Emirates, that if they win the cup, they have agreed to hold the next competition in Dubai. Yeah, that is pretty much the dirtiest thing to happen since Dale Hunter checked Pierre Turgeon after a goal in the playoffs. Some things just aren't right. More on Luna Rosa's tough situation in a minute.

So what other rumours were going around Valencia? Well, I can confirm 100% that they ARE in fact filming "Side Out 2: Spanish Spalding Spikes," as we speak, on the beaches of Valencia. Sadly, C. Thomas Howell isn't going to be in this one, but little known actor Gene Beason will be playing the part of the idiot who single handedly blows the big game while his team has a huge lead. He was originally cut from the movie, but lied to everyone and said he was still the star, and so for some reason they let him back in. The studio is reportedly spending over $50,000 just to have a special effects company digitally remove a disgraceful tatoo from Beason's ankle in all of the beach scenes.

Back on the sailing front, things are not looking good for Luna Rosa. The crew members have that look of frustration on their faces, that can only be described as that same look you get when you are losing pretty bad, and you are freakin positive you C button does not work. You start to hold up your controler and exaggerate, pressing the button loudly and complaining, but nobody cares. It doesn't matter that Busch Light and bong water are not the ideal cleaning solvents for a Genesis controller.

So I'm not going to get you all excited for a miracle comeback, although it is possible. No, this is Valencia, not Hollywood, and around here you REALLY can't win without the Wolf. 3-0 is a big hole, and today pretty much becomes your cliched 'must win situation.' If they go down 4-0 (remember this is a best 5 out of 9), then pretty much their only hope will be that Dean Barker and most of the Team NZ crew get freejacked out of the boat like Emilio Esteves out of his racecar. And yes, Jay Rabouin, we know that racecar is a plindrome. So root extra hard for Luna Rosa over the next few races, they need it.

James Spithill or Hoops McCann

Oh yeah, great, everybody loves Ari Gold. Just like that, with one stupid line about 'hugging', he became everyone's favorite character on Entourage. Everyone loves Ari, he is so funny. He is one of those funny Jews like Seinfeld or Larry David. If all Jews were as funny and cool as Ari, Brandeis would be the coolest school in the world. But it isn't. It isn't cool at all.

And you know what? If you are one of those people who said, "Oh, that Jeremy Piven is a great actor," or something to that effect, you aren't cool either. If you put some reference to him on your myspace page or something, you are a complete ass. What does this have to do with the America's Cup? If you haven't figured it out by now, you are a jerk. You probably root for the Spanish team and their green boat, and you probably had no idea that if you press the A button on defence, your guy will 'hook' guys on the other team with his stick and slow them down. You look stupider than Chris Dickson right now.

So Luna Rosa destroyed BMW Oracle racing in the semi final. 5-1 was the final score. On Saturday, during the start, James Spithill so badly outmaneuvered Chris Dickson that BMW had not one, but TWO penalties called against them just during the starting. That's like having one of your guys smushed into the boards by a check in NHL '94, and having him stay that way the entire game. If you were team BMW Oracle in the drinking game, then you are probably still in the hostpital, and have no hair anywhere on your body. (BMW also had some idiot with his face totally covered in Zinc, and on friday they had a part of their boat break off).

Right, so Luna Rosa's dominant victory over BMW Oracle bought only one thing to mind... that famous win in the Nantucket Regatta posted by The Boat, with helmsman Hoops McCann calling the shots. That too looked like a close race on paper. I mean, Teddy's boat was newer and faster, but once they turned on the engines, you knew that The Boat was gonna blow right by them with the help of the engine from Teddy's Ferrari. Even with Ty on his team, Teddy Beckersted never had a chance. But who was this Ty character?

Yeah, Ty. He was Teddy's best buddy. He was laughing the whole time as Hoops got destroyed in the free throw contest. Even with Bob 'Cat' Goldthwiat for a backboard (and he definately moved his arms hoop to try and help out Hoops on one of his shots, you can totally see it), it was a one sided affair. Ty was the short, polo shirt wearing pall that Teddy could count on to have his back. Ty was the guy who made us (people in the know) realize that Jeremy Piven was great, way back then.

Sure, he was in Lucas at about that same time, but we all know that Charlie Sheen stole that show. When he (Charlie Sheen) took his shirt off in front of the girl in the laundry room, I learned what it meant to be a man.

No, it was in One Crazy Summer where we really got to see the greatness in Jeremy Piven. And who knew that it would be a glimpse into the future of sail boat races of the future? Everyone knows that throwing some frozen fishsticks overboard, and using a sail made out of old bedsheets ISN'T going to work in real life. The only realistic thing about Summer Rental was John Candy's sunburn.

So, just in case you missed it, BMW Oracle got beat just like Teddy and Ty did in the Nantucket Regatta. Just like Team Teddy, BMW Oracle had a huge budget. 270 Million to be exact. That is more money than the NY Yankees spend to lose every year, but it still wasn't enough. That is what is so great about sailing, there are some things more important than money. Rich chicks in bikinis don't show up to baseball games, and you know that even if he was poor, Cookie was still gonna go home with Hoops after the race. Why he would chose Demi More over her is a mystery that may never be solved.

Race Along With Them

Right, so the semi-finals are starting, and you are wodering what you can do to help your favorite team (which, unless you are a jerk, is Luna Rossa Challenge). If only there was a way to show how dedicated you really are. Sure, you can paint your car grey with some red stripes that say Prada, and lean out the window while you drive, as if the car was tilting in the wind. But unless you drive a piece of junk Ford-Lincoln-Mercury-Sabre, there is a more practical option.

Ok, I know drinking games are overated. Once drinking Ikari Warriors (for original Nintendo) became a national craze, it seemed like everyone was comming up with their own drinking games. You knew it was really bad when people were drinking to a TV show like X-Files. I still don't get it how that works. How was that a game? I mean, it isn't like you had to try and split a tank or anything by pressing buttons at the exact same time as your fellow Ikari warrior. You couldn't even wear a red or blue headband (tied in the back like Rambo) for extra effect. Lame.

Despite all of this, a drinking game has been established for the America's Cup. Everyone knows it is a great event, but it can bit a bit boring when one team has like a 2 minute lead. Sometimes rooting for someone's mast to snap just isn't fun enough. So here is how the game works, and it is fun no matter how close the race is.

Step One: Pick a Team. Yeah, I know everyone wants to be Luna Rossa, cause they are cool and the other teams are as much fun as going to college at Case Western Reserve. So flip a coin or something. Really, rock, paper, scissors is the best way to decide it, but you have to be completely naked or it is too easy to cheat. So pick em.

Step Two: Buy some drinks. What you buy is up to you. If you are in the U.S., you must be over the age of 21 to purchase them. Or you can call Mike Christy, either way. (Optional, buy some other fun stuff that produces smoke)

Step Three: Sit down to watch the race. Now, if you have a TiVO or a VCR, this could help a lot as you can fast forward right through the commercials. If you don't have TiVO or a VCR, then I'm pretty freakin sure you don't have a computer with internet access either, so you aren't reading this... loser.


Right, so the race is starting, and here are the rules:

1. Take a drink if you are the Spanish Team. Yes, just for being that terrible team.
2. Finish your drink if your team loses the start (crosses the line second)
3. Finish two drinks if your team jumps the start
4. Drink half a drink every time your team flies the "protest flag", requesting a penalty
5. Drink a whole drink if your team receives a penalty

6. Take a drink every time your team tacks on an upwind leg, and jibes on a downwind leg (These are the most important rules of the game. For those that don't know, Tacking and Jibing are when the boats change direction. Not when they go around the floating orange/yellow things, but when they change their angle. Don't worry, the announcer will let you know when it is happening)

7. If your team is behind at the end of any leg, upwind or down, finish your drink. If they are behind by more than a second, drink another one on top of it.

8. If your boat sinks (it can, and has happened before http://magazine.web.de/images/544/2177544,h=351,pd=1,w=420.jpg), drink two drinks, smoke one whole something, and shave your head. This is a must.

9. If your team loses the race, you pay for the drinks for the next race!

10. Also drink for the following random occurances, you hear a crew member curse during an on-board shot, anybody on your boat high-fives anyone else (even after the race), anyone on your boat touches the water in any way (including if they fall in), anyone on your boat has their nose covered in white Zinc, anyone on your boat looks bored (subjective, and must be agreed upon by both teams). Drink a whole drink if any member of your crew is injured, any part of your boat breakes, or if any one of your sails touch the water.


Ok, those are the rules for now. They can be changed at any time. Enjoy the Semi-Finals action.

The Spanish Team Stinks, and We Have Proof

This is no ordinary bracket. You don't go by seeding, and you don't let the Genesis set up the brackets for you. Nope, in the America's Cup, they do it their own way.

So the round robin races are over, and China Team are going home. They aren't the only team that was eliminated, but they are the only team that will actually sail home on their boat. Crazy. It seems like the Chinese government was so mad about how horrible they performed, that the crew was ordered to sail home. No, the America's Cup yachts were not designed for voyages of that length, and they can't store the supplies necessary for the trip. So how will they make it? By pirating of course. The Chinese are expert pirates, and will terrorize every other ship they see on their way home. Don't be affraid though, cause if you seem them comming you can just run away and they will NEVER catch you.

Also going home in disgrace are the Germans. They can't sail home because their country is land locked. Instead, they are supposedly filling their boat with beer and trying to drink it all by the time the trucks reach Germany.

Right, so the brackets... well in the America's Cup, the team that finishes in first place gets to pick its opponent. Yep, they basically get to call out one of the top four teams and say, "Clearly, you are the worst team here." In this case, it was Team New Zealand calling out the Spanish team and their stupid green boat. And can you blame them? The Spaniards are obviously a team of scrubs. Their skipper is a distant relative of Pat Jablonski, the starting keeper for Tampa Bay in NL' 94.

The other semi final sees Luna Rosa take on BMW Oracle. Should be very interesting. Best 5 out of 9, yeah 5 out of 9, wins.

China Owns the USA... no seriously, it does

In NHL '93, Tom Fitzgerald of the New York Islanders had 0 speed. As in zero. Yes, his speed was rated at zero. The scientists here might be saying that this is impossible, since zero speed would mean he wasn't moving, but if you turned on line changes (cool) or put him in your starting line up (apparently not cool), you would see that he actually did move.

Well Team China could have officially had a speed raiting of zero, cause they weren't moving. They were "making repairs" to their boat, which was of course code for "hiding from the competition", and skipped out on a bunch of races.

The BMW Oracle team was in first place. Nearly unstopable, having lost only one race in the first round robin. So what happens when the China Team finally shows up for a race, having lost every single one that they had (and had not) participated in, and the race is against BMW Oracle?

Yep, they win. The lowely Chinese pirated ship actually beat team BMW Oracle? What happened? BMW Oracle broke the stay sail, and so they were out of it. What really happened? The Chinese government made a phone call, told some important people that they were gonna sell all their US Govt treasury positions, and make the weak dollar even weaker. Larry Ellison, the billionare who started Oracle and the BMW Oracle team, was facing a potentially huge loss. He would still be a billionaire, but with the resulting inflation, being a billionaire would only be like being a millionair, and that aint cool.

So BMW Oracle threw the race, and the Chinese felt important for like 10 seconds. They will feel little again when Internet Team Germany and +39 (so far the other scrubs of the cup) beat them silly. If they actually have the guts to show up and race, they will wish they were windsurfing with John Kerry instead of sailing a real boat.

Luna Rosa is now tied for first place with BMW Oracle, and the races have been really close. +39 lost to the pathetic Green Spanish boat by 1 second. Yes, ONE SECOND! Crazy.

Blow Hard

Now that the wind is really blowing, the racing isn't blowing at all. Some great match races yesterday, with the Spanish lime green dream getting into a tight one with the South Africans. Well, it was tight for the first part of the race at least.

As was the duel between Luna Rosa and +39, with the scrappy Sicilians actually challenging their fancy pants compatriots for the entire first leg. After that, however, Luna Rosa started to pull away, and it was the same old sad story for +39.

Is there any relief in sight for +39? Well, they say the boat was designed to run better in rougher water. Ok... but there is much more immediate help on the way, and it will be speaking German and Chinese. That's right, on friday they have the Louis Vuitton equivalent of a walk in the park. They race against the hapless Germans, and the plain dreadfull Chinese.

Rumours that Angela Merkel is claiming the German boat is so slow because all of their best scientists were taken by the Americans and Russians after WWII, are unfounded.

The Chinese are another story. After jumping the start and then retiring from the race altogether, Team China reached a new low yesterday against Mascalzone. The team looked full of self doubt, and this is noteworthy because it is the first time in history that human clones have shown this emotion.

Yes, in the grand Chinese tradition of, "If you can't beat it, copy it", it has been revealed that the entire Chinese Team is actually just an attempted duplicate of Team Alinghi. That's right, the team is just another cheap Chinese knock off. What does this mean? This means that they aren't pirates but pirated. There is a difference.